HEROIC
STATUES ERECTED IN SAN JUAN CITIES
By Santiago Murphy
Huevas de Rana
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Che Guevara
News Service) —The only thing absent from the Bush administration, besides
cranial content and reality, is a unifying symbol of the valiant work George W.
Bush and Dick Cheney have accomplished in their five years in office.
"These two men are so ill-abused by the liberal press," said White
House spokesman, Carlos Rove Dos Culos, "when they have done more for the
country than Napoleon ever did for Europe. It's time we honored them with great
works of art, symphonies, epic poems, and longer hunting seasons."
Dos
Culos cited the administration's courageous self-sacrifice in establishing
jihad in Iraq, the dissolution of democracy in America, the institution of
poverty in the Gulf States, and the benevolent Patriot Act, which, he stated,
"has created a marvelous atmosphere of paranoia" and "authorized the torture
necessary for a free and just government."
In order to combat the
treasonous reports of the left-wing press, the administration has commissioned
inspiring classical sculptures of both Bush and Cheney to be erected in major
cities throughout the country. A few minor metropolises, such as Colona and
Sapinero, will have miniature replicas of these sculptures placed in their
coffee shops.
"What's really exciting," said Dos Culos, "is a few cities
off the beaten path were specially selected for the full-sized statues whether
they wanted them or not. We thought certain random placements would reflect the
sweeping power of this administration and remind citizens of the great things
we can accomplish when we put aside silly laws and international treaties, and
make our own rules."
Three such lucky cities in western Colorado are
Telluride, Ouray, and Silverton. "These were chosen because the majesty of the
San Juan Mountains nearly matches the inconceivable spirit of these men," said
Dos Culos.
Both Bush and Cheney closely worked with the artists in
creating the sculptures, according to Condi Dos Moscas, head of the Department
of Public Art.
"Mr. Bush envisions himself as a great liberator, a wise
and just warrior, "said Dos Moscas, "as a kind of David against the Goliath of
the intellectual masses."
"I really relate to David," Bush said in a
speech during the unveiling of his statue in Silverton. "He had a sling shot. I
had one once. I killed a neighbor's cat with it. It was darn exciting. I knew
then that I'd be the leader of the free world."
Bush whined about
"librools" condemning his domestic and foreign policies, pointing out that it
"takes a man like David to not listen to the people and to kill those what need
killing. These sculptures of me and Dick are going to impress upon radicals
that we are in fact extinguished men, doing horrendous thangs. We been
spreading democracy like peanut butter on the bread of third world countries.
We been making literate children illegitimate. We been leaving no tree behind,
and making darn sure oil keeps running this country. We believe the statues
will inspire people to think inspiring thoughts instead of concentrating on how
bad my grammar are."
 The sculpture of Bush as
David, in the classical pose of Michelangelo's famous 18-foot masterpiece, was
welcomed by most in the administration, except for Juan Roberts Dos Vergas,
head of the Department of Morals and Family Values.
"I had to protest,"
said Dos Vergas. "I don't think a naked George Bush with a nearly two-foot
'member' is appropriate for pubic art. Dubya's is hardly an inch in length in
the first place. We don't need to inflate or elevate body parts that have no
bearing on the intellect of the man."
After much deliberation, Bush
agreed to have the sculptor demurely place his hand over the immoral dangly
bits. The end result was a statue both physically and ethically strong,
portraying Bush as the indecisive, phallically-challenged, sling-shot welding,
cat-killer he is.
Cheney, on the other hand, had difficulty in selecting
the pose and style of his sculpture. Initially he thought he'd like to be
depicted on a horse, pointing west, with his cape blowing in the wind, much
like the famed statue of Napoleon.
"But that's really too obvious,"
Cheney admitted. "I'm a humble man. I do consider myself an expert hunter and
thought I'd like to be portrayed as Hercules, gouging out the lungs of a satyr
with a blunt stick. But that doesn't really capture all that I
am."
Cheney finally settled on himself as Athena, Goddess of the Hunt
and of War, a mastermind of strategy, power, and deceit. In this portrayal he
said he would also be able to relate to his daughter and all those like
her.
"I feel liberated," Cheney said during the unveiling of his Athena
in Ouray at the opening of hunting season. "I think it is important to dress in
a toga now and then. A man who can hunt in a dress is a man who has no
fear."
Both Dick's and Dubya's statues were placed in the public park
near the hot springs pool at Ouray. Several pigeons alighted on them, leaving a
sploogy white smear down the marble foreheads.
Without skipping a
heartbeat, Cheney then declared open season on "Friggin' pigeons, Green Party
members, and terrorist types hiding in rural Colorado. Athena will not tolerate
bowel movements," he said.
 Reception of the government sculptures in Ouray was mixed, with one
woman remarking that she didn't think Bush's hand had to be so big. "It's not
like he has something to hide. He's an honest man."
In Telluride, Bush's
David was positioned in the new roundabout at the entrance to town, creating a
few minor traffic snarls as motorists slowed to open their windows and shout
obscenities. Several canines in this mountain resort welcomed the statues as an
alternative place to relieve themselves.
When asked what he thought of the sculpture, Jorge Bancoverde, a
spokesman for the Nervous Citizens Action Committee, said flatly,
"Métetelo en el culo!" which, for polite reasons and Section 35.6-b of
the Patriot Act, we refuse to translate here.
The citizens of Silverton
were far more enthusiastic, running two locomotives over the statues. The
fragments will be whittled into elk teeth by out-of-work musicians and sold to
hunters for good luck charms.
"I would like to remind Americans," said
Carlos Rove Dos Culos, "that vandalizing images of high ranking government
officials is construed as an act of sedition. Any hunter found in possession of
marble elk teeth with Dubya's face thereon will be viewed as a co-conspirator.
Silverton will be dealt with."
As Silverton's citizens were already
under six feet of snow, they simply shrugged off the threat and went into their
annual hibernation.
Truth will out in the
spring.
(Published in the San Juan
Horseshoe print edition, November 2005, © MaryJoy
Martin)
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